Emily Ratajkowski does not believe in God. At the age of 6, however, lying on her bed, she prayed “to be beautiful”. Then, the little girl became a model, posed for advertising campaigns, fashion series, created a brand of lingerie… becoming a muse. On Instagram, more than 28 million subscribers daily swipe the screen of their phone to admire this aesthetically perfect body and face, which she has made her profession. Emrata, that's how we know her, publishes these days a book entitled My Body (1), translated into French (Le Seuil). One winter evening, for an exchange by Zoom, his much-scrutinized face appeared on the computer screen. Meet this fulfilled beauty.

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In video, Emily Ratajkowski: from modeling to feminism

Miss Figaro. - What triggers, in the 30-year-old model that you are, the desire to write this book, these memoirs in a way? Emily Ratajkowski. - I had been taking notes for a while in my phone, without thinking that I was writing a book. I did it when I wasn't working, like to put away my ideas and the scenes I was going through. I liked it, I was doing it for me, and at some point, re-reading these "sketches", I said to myself: "Maybe I should try to publish them?" I then sent messages to certain writers that I liked, as if to sound them out. Some didn't answer me, others still haven't… (Laughs.) But there are some — like the American essayist Ariel Levy — who encouraged me.

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Were you scared when you pressed the button? To pass for the supermodel who wants to write? Totally! I had seriously considered the possibility of being rejected. I told myself that in this case, I would continue to write it for me and that it would be cathartic. In fact, I had prepared myself for the worst!

You talk about catharsis, have you taken care of things by writing? Above all, I became aware of things by discovering them. By editing and rereading the book, it's as if I discovered parts of my life. I realized that I had put, in my experience as a supermodel and my life as a woman, techniques to survive happily in this environment. I dissociated completely from the state in which I could find myself. The images suggested that I had full confidence in myself, that I was in control, and if I was worse, it did not show. It was almost a form of denial. My editor also allowed me this through conversations we had. There was in particular a short passage where I mentioned a spa where I felt very good because there were only women, that I did not feel "evaluated" there. It was she who insisted on this term and allowed me to understand that this question of being "evaluated" was fundamental to me.

You are not ashamed to show yourself in an unflattering way, like when you find yourself in a villa in Coachella, California, just to keep company with men who like to be around… This honesty was very important. I had to be as hard on myself as those who were going to read me could be on me… At the beginning of the process, I was much harder on myself, as if I wanted to punish myself for something.

Punish you for what? Punishing myself for these situations in which I could find myself, by making me insecure with photographers, or for the fact that I like to attract attention. I could be ashamed of it and blame myself. Then, during the process, which was quite long, I took a slightly less contrasting look, I noticed that my position was more complex, responding to power games that did not depend on my sole decision. By force, I withdrew some of this self-flagellation.

On social networks, you post photos of yourself that are close to perfection. Wasn't writing this book a way of showing behind the scenes, of saying: "What you see is not reality, or not only reality"? Absolutely. I have been extremely frustrated at not being able to react to controversies around me, my image and my career - such as when I revealed that I had been mistreated by a photographer - I had to go to Twitter to answer, explain. I felt speechless, without the ability to document my own story. And then I also wanted to show young girls that this image of perfection was not just a path strewn with roses. It was a bit of a way of saying that all women are in the same boat!

show your vulnerability

You just say you were hated by women. Isn't this feeling that women are hard on each other changing at a time when sisterhood is being advocated? I think it gets better when women agree to be vulnerable. The relationships then change. Showing your vulnerability can, in my opinion, lead to a revolution! That's kind of what I tried to do with this book. Also, I make it a point of honor now, when I meet or cross paths with one of my peers, not to judge her, to give her the benefit of the doubt.

You have given birth to a baby boy - Syl, to whom you are dedicating this book -, and you recount that astonishing moment during your delivery during which you ask for a mirror to observe your body evolving during labour... When you give birth to a As a child, there is always that moment when, around you, someone says: "We see his head, we see his head!" and you, while you have been pushing for sometimes a very long time, you see absolutely nothing. The work rooms have a mirror for this. Many women around me have done it. So I used it to be fully aware of what was going on. This is very common in the United States, although it may seem strange to you here!

When you found out it was going to be a baby boy, did you feel relieved that you didn't have a girl with all that entailed? A little yes, even if for a time I hoped to have a girl. So I thought a lot about these issues, about how I would educate him. If one day I had one, I would never tell her what she should or shouldn't do. Instead, I would like to best explain the world to her as it is, allow her to understand the power dynamics between men and women, give her the broadest picture so she can know what to do when you're a woman, when you're pretty. Above all, I would make her understand that beauty is not the only way to have power. But, paradoxically, I will never prevent her from becoming a model because thanks to my work, I have had success, financial security and independence.

You mention the beauty of your mother and the fact that this criterion meant a lot to her. Would you have been different if that hadn't been the case? I do not know. What I do know is that at the age of 6, I prayed to be beautiful. I could have prayed to be smart, to have lots of friends or a million other things, but no: I was praying in my head to be beautiful, because I thought that was what would make me happy in my life. .

Since you opened your eyes with a certain hindsight to the environment in which you evolved, isn't it difficult to play the game? To model again? No, because I found ways to have control over my job, that this control makes me feel better. And sharing my experience is part of it. Nevertheless, on human relationships in general, it is more difficult to put a lid on my lucidity. When my friends tell me about their first romantic dates, for example, I immediately see dynamics that they do not see and that they do not necessarily want me to put under their noses, but I can not help it !

How did the world of fashion and modeling react, which you scratch a little in passing? Several photographers and designers have appreciated that someone from the inside talks about the complexity of an environment, the mixed feelings they and they may have had too. But I must say that what filled me the most was to receive messages from young girls, young women, from other worlds than mine and who may have encountered the same questions, the same complexes, the same awkward situations, I think they liked to hear that coming from me.

In the book, you tell of a man's surprised reaction when you say you want to change things in your house, is that really the case? Of course, there have been times in my life when I wanted to change elements of my physical appearance. The question is not to know what we look like because when you look in the mirror, you do not see what others see. And I can tell you that when you're a model, you spend a lot of time looking at yourself. Me, for example, today I am almost unable to tell if a photo of me is good or not. All women would like to have a smaller nose, longer legs, or a bigger nose and shorter legs. That's why the beauty industry is a huge market!

You come out of a period of promotion and come back from a tour in Europe to talk about My Body. Which job is the most tiring writer or model? Model ! Because talking about my book is much more galvanizing and rewarding for me, it feeds me more to discuss my text than to pose in front of a camera. There is only one downside: right now, I can't bear to hear my own voice anymore!

(1) My Body, by Emily Ratajkowski, Éditions du Seuil, 272 pages, €19.

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